welcome to my little world.
This year's xmas was a different one for me.
went for a christmas drama gathering by City Harvest Church at Expo on xmas eve, with my maincomm family.
was the first time been there, and also the first time joining a christmas celebration like that.
it was fun and joyous=)the drama was good! the whole place was grand and full of people, and i got to know new friends from my school!=)
but i was abit shocked cos i have never experienced so huge a gathering by all christians at one place, so i felt a little awkward at times=X
it's truly an eye-opening experience for me though. haha
after that, we went to changi airport for our "supper", but there was big crowd of people that we hardly could get a table at any eateries.
luckily we found one in the end, with all our stomaches growling haha.
tried Popeye and it was not bad, though im not a fan of fried chicken hehe=p
we thought of going for a midnight movie after that, but didnt make it in the end.
i so wanna try out the 3D specs for Avatar!!
but luckily we didnt go, cos i just realised how tried i was after i have taken my shower back in hall and i went straight to sleep lol.
i think sometimes you get more awake after you have stayed up for too long until very very late at night, and it wasnt until when you see your cosy bed that you realised just how exhausted you are after a whole day haha!
And there came the next morning.
It was super jam on the way back to jb.
at both sides of the customs.
so in the end, me and my family missed the Redbox Outing!!=(
instead we went for a meal at Lavendar cafe.
their xmas deco was very nice and elegant! but the food was just so-so haha.
then at night my dad received an unexpected call from my grandma's house. apparently my relatives were going to celebrate my grandpa's birthday but they forgot to inform my dad!!*faint*
so we rushed back to pontian for the usual dinner at some restaurant.
And the highlight this time round is that my dad went on stage to sing!!!
HAHAHA
*ehh dont laugh my dad was awarded some singing prize last time when he was young okay LOL*
im not going to post the video here though=p
and my uncles went to sing too~
so that was my xmas~
and here i am, back to hall, going for my labwork now=X
*without mario, i hope that i will be more careful and dont spoil ANYTHING during lab!*
pray hard for that!
p/s : i want a new phone! so that i can upload more photos and stuffs!!=X
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
i feel sad right now.
why am i always choosing to do things that will upset my own self?
isn't that hurting myself?
but again and again, i fell into those loops, and have myself locked up in sorrow.
am i someone who is not approachable and detesting?
sometimes i just feel that people are ignoring and disliking and having themselves away from me.
did i do or say something wrongly?
that might accidentally make myself being misunderstood or unintentionally offend anybody?
i really hate the feeling of being misunderstood.
it's like you are not that kind of person, yet if you start explaining, people might just think that you are such a fake person, and the more you explain, the more it makes things worse.
so in the end you stop explaining, you keep quiet, you just pretend that nothing happened, and people might just think that you admit whatever things that are not at all true about you yourself.
and also in the end, you cant explain anymore, and you cant do anything but have to let it be.
and it will always be a thorn in you.
which is hurtful and you are never able to remove it.
it always happen, to me.
i dont know.
perhaps im just too timid and lack of self confidence to voice things out.
at the right moment, right place.
im one who is always not very "mixed-in" with a big whole bunch of people, especially when that bunch of people are very close to each other.
it's like, why are you even there?
you are just like a wall of transparent glass among them
they will never see you, not even talk to you.
what you left to do is just to smile and "haha" at their jokes, pretend to play with your mobile phone at times to avoid any embarassing moments, or just stare blankly at some point in the air.
nobody will even care to talk to you.
even if they do, they will just treat it as a kind of courtesy.
in fact, i think im already used to it.
i want to change, but somehow i guess i lack the power and courage to do so.
who am i?
what is my true self?
how will i actually act in response, given that i follow my own feelings and not what others think i will do?
sometimes im confused, about this.
the person that i portray myself as, is that the real me?
or someone i dont know?
but i know, there are always exceptions.
i believe there are always people who are nice and willing to accept you even if you are new.
i guess my passive thinking might stem from some unhappy and hurtful incidents with friends in the past.
perhaps that's the reason i tend to shield myself a protective shell when i first meet people.
and i tend to think negatively when something wrong happens.
i guess im still improving myself on that.
at least now, i think im more friendly and more outspoken to people whom i dont know.
and at least im less afraid of meeting new people now.
but again, i just hope that i dont overdo anything..
once again, i need to be thankful too for all my close friends and family.
relationship between human beings is something very unique.
it's unpredictable, sometimes it makes you laugh, but sometimes it makes you cry.
and alot need to be learned about it..
i guess i still need to improve alot on that.
even though sometimes i tell myself not to care about what other people think wrongly of you, it certainly hurts when people are seeing you as someone who is not your true self.
it's hard to express, and i know im bad at describing that kind of feeling, but maybe this is one of the reasons i always get myself being misunderstood.
for being unable to tell things properly and to express myself properly=X
well, fenwei let's let your sorrow and sadness become your energy and motivation to brace yourself up!
let's treat those unfortunate incidents as your challenge to grow and become more mature~
you still have friends and family who treasure you a whole lot,
so why bother about something that will only make you unhappy and emo??
let's forget it!
and let's hope that truths will always be there in the end.
p/s : i just realised that im always blogging about my negative feelings=(
dear friends who are reading these, im sorry about that! i hope that i didnt portray my life as always dull and gloomy and full of negative events. that's certainly not the life that i want!!! but somehow i just feel that i need a channel to throw out all the bad and sad feelings that im forced to keep within me. it's like a kind of process, starts off with the worst case scenario, proceeds on with all the things that i wanna shout out, and after that, in the end, i try to make myself stand up from all the ruins..
"who is that girl i see
staring straight back at me
why is my reflection someone i dont know
why i cant pretend that i am
someone else for all the time
when will my refelection show, who i am inside.."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
five more days.
two more papers.
okay i must believe that im gonna make it through~
had a bad day today cos of my stats paper:(
already studied as much as i can, but in the end it didnt pay off:(
dont understand why i did so badly, but, nothing can be done now...
except to jiayou more the last two.
sighhhh~~~
but the feeling of giving up is stronger than ever.
now.
couldnt really concentrate but i have to move on, fenwei move on and do your best for the next two!!
this moody feeling is also partly because alot people already finished their exams.
atmosphere doesnt appear right now.
=(
anyway, was very touched cos i received a surprise visit from daddy mummy!!!=))
not really a surprise, it's just that i had forgetten that they told me they are paying me a visit tonight, ie just now.
HAHAH see how poor my memory is=(
brought me some food stuffs, my favourites, and some other daily necessities.
to think of just to deliver me things, and yet went all the way across causeway to my hall, this really touches me a whole lot.
not only this time round.
but everytime. it does.
dont know how to express it but
suddenly tears swelled up in my eyes. i tried to swallow them back in.
ahh just how emotional i am!=(
suddenly feel the homesick strongest than ever~
to think of my mum going to genting concert this weeked, my lil cute sis and dad are goyang kaki at home, alot of my friends already back to home sweet home, while ME, still have to STRUGGLE!
ahh i guess i have to really buck up!
and stand up from where i fell, look at the bright side of things, and
most importantly, set the HOLIDAY as my motivation to push me forward!
dont slack anymore, jiayou!!!
f o c u s!